Here’s Hoping….

Well its been a while since I brought you all up to speed with my drivel, been a bit lax with the old blog post, several reasons.

I have been struggling with, well pretty much everything really, what to write, work, friends, love and life in general.I have even contemplated deleting my twitter and blog all together.

Why? Well to be honest the last few months have been rubbish all round, as I have mentioned in previous posts , if it hadn’t been for the love and support of a couple of really good friends I’m not sure I would have made it this far. My love life, or lack of it , has been rubbish, I have very little to do with anyone in my family and more recently the one thing I thought I could rely on has gone a bit ” Pete tong”, Work!

For the last 15 to 18 years I have lived for my work, maybe that’s why my love life is so shit? I have built up a business and reputation within my sector that is unparalleled , even though I say it my self. I have been invited to work with groups linked to foreign governments and have advised on public sector policy making at a national and local level.

But in recent weeks I have seen how the ” Pack” can soon turn against you if you don’t comply and not complying is what I do best, it’s what I’ve always done, it’s what I do best and what has earned me my reputation and standing in my chosen area of work.

This, coupled with my recent health issues, has made me start to question who I am or more to the point where do I fit in the grand scheme of things?I’m wondering if it’s time for a total change? Change of job, change of scenery, change of me?

I have read back over some of my old posts and it is obvious to me , reading them , I don’t recognise “me” any more and what really frightens me is how quickly it’s happened.

Some one famous once said ” Life’s to Short” and you know what? they weren’t wrong.

An ex-girlfriend of mine died from cancer last week, well I say ex-girlfriend, we grew up together, she really was the ” Girl next door” funny, pretty and innocent in her own way. We went on a few dates, one particular sticks in my mind, I can remember vividly what she was wearing, the things we said and did……. It didn’t work out for us, but we were always great friends even after, she was a year younger than me, she leaves husband and two children, her dad will be there to see her buried……..

None of us know the minuet, it the bullet has your name on it you can’t dodge it.

I seem to have woken up with an inflated sence of morality and for anyone who knows me in the real world, that will come as a shock, largely because I have spent the last 30+ years doing things that kill people, or at the very least stack the odds against them, jumping out of and flying planes and helicopters, rally cars, motor bikes, diving, rock climbing…. and anything else that got me high on life, but now……?

I don’t intend to sit around maudlin and worrying about life, but right now I am lost, I don’t know what to do , where to go, who or what  to turn to.

This might be my last blog post, I’m still undecided on what to do,but thank you all for taking the time to read this and all my other posts, thanks for the support. ” delete or not delete that is the question”, and then again I might wake up in a weeks time and be the old me, here’s hoping!

About kinkygrizzly

I'm a strange one, very warped and twisted sence of humour with a tinted view of life, sometime bright sometime dark, I blog about whatever I feel like on the day, I write poetry when I can be arsed,some serious, some raw, some filthy? but my one rule in life is this, " If your Gona be a Bear, Be a Grizzly" :)
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